Purple IceS

2009-11-07T08:58:00.001-08:00

Dunno what to type.

My entries getting shorter & shorter.

I muz b really mad to walk from Parklane back home.

Where are you when those gaps need to be filled in? =((

NCO camp.. the drummer & rain???

2009-11-05T07:22:00.000-08:00

Juz like a kid throwing temper..

& his naive-ness.

+ his inability to steer in this lost world.

Controlling you was a mistake? Or you'd prefer I don't even want to know where'd you'll be hanging out with Or even planned something?

2009-11-03T06:36:00.000-08:00

Today looks like today.

Yesterday is juz like today's yesterday.

Friday's my juniors POP (same as yours)

If there's fate, we might meet.

Your sista's juniors, your juniors.

Why is it that when you wan something, you juz dun wan to speak it from your mouth?
Juz like when you were outside my sec sch tt time?

2009-11-02T06:09:00.000-08:00

I removed the past, with no efforts of trying to remember them anymore.

I limit my posts to 5, to prevent the outflow of any other thoughts.

& juz let the day roll.. the time flow..

Let them take me away from this place as I watch the day unfold.

Ord.. but it doesn't feel like.

2009-10-28T06:02:00.000-07:00

Life is full of surprises.. Today down with a slight flu, but enough to make me tired and draggy. Was still managing my stuff as usual and finally left office at 5.30pm with closing.. Dragged myself off the bus stop to realise the 177 was going up the slope.. #%$&*^&*% but I look at the crowd waiting for the one and only bus up the hill.. I also sian diaox.. 75 bus stop and 75 came.. go and slept...

Awoke near Great World. Surprise came here, the bus reach at Outram MRT station like the whole bus empty. Left only 1 girl sitting infront. She looked lost. I was so tempted to use "you know where u going or not?" as a starter, but figured it out it's dumb. LOL. So as i got up, I realise there's another girl infront. Faints* She smiled at me. Kindly funny.. but well, both also pretty. So, all the effort of dragging myself walk like the distance of 4 bus stops was worth that? My flu got better with the bit of rest i caught on the bus. What a way to spend surprise really =.-

I still need to rest. Somehow today is my only rest day..thurs band stuff, friday Seehui, sat Bros, sunday band and probably the cycle starts again.

Today.. suddenly had the heart to piano, is it that my emotions needed repairing? Why the detached feeling from me is now gone.. I have such a strong fill to slash out all the things in my piano.. Piano is 1 thing. Another thing is my future. Part of this links up to my ytd thoughts.. I have interest in anime becoz of my trait in creativity, yet I'm into music. Secondary is economics which I've thought of it. Mainly is teaching. Coming to almost this crossroad, I did asked myself in 10 years time, would you want to be a teacher? Yes I would say, but being a teacher would lend me anywhere? Probably I know this is part of goals setting.. Time to open up the topics which I've been avoiding in me? I juz scared that interest clashes sometimes.

Let's finish up yesterday's thoughts on animation & joanne.

["Don't you tink that it's better for both of us not to be together?"

That phase, that place rolled up into a arrow and pierced the throbbing heart bounded together in chains.
As if the heart was made of glass, the huge shattering of the impact showed a large hole in the heart.
The surrounding walls gave way and creaked, looking as if the creaks were trying to escape out of the entire glass heart. Within the next beat, the awfully creaked scarred heart shattered and dropped in large shimmering pieces to the bottom of the pit. The penetrated arrow disappeared into thin air, but leaving behind a dark coat of blackish liquid flowing from where the whole heart was originally held. As pieces of the heart fell with the black liquid raining on them, the chains held in place were moving. Moving downwards as if some invisible force has tore it from it's grip on the heart.

The chains fell alongside with the disintegrating heart, the heart is free at last. Freed in pieces and never to be held together the same once more. As the shimmering pieces fell and crashed heavily to the pit's floor, they disperse into smaller pieces. Those shimmering pieces which contained memories together, happiness, sadness and all the emotions were now torn. Drenched with the black erasing liquid left from the arrow, these shiny and colourful pieces dissolves to dull and hard patches. The chain which now rests at the pit disappears from the erosion of the black liquid, freeing the mind of the "bound" to a girl forever, yet there is no sense of joy from freedom. Nor happiness or anything worth celebrating for. There was no feel, except a huge overwhelm of pain, no numbness. The now left memory pieces pricked the nerves and blood streams, as though they were being freed, pieced these areas trying to get out.

It only meant the user was in great depths of pain and only to realise.. it's too numb to feel that tears actually were rolling out of his eyes.

It wasn't over, for not all the pieces are changed to patches. They would look like plastics waiting to be buried, and hoping to be degradable to patches soon. A wishful thinking all along.. what more hurts than the best memories held together.]

I tink it sounds messy, but I'm not a good writer. Maybe if it was out in animation it'll probably be very nice.

After writing the above long paragraph, it's already 11.10pm. I should rest. Calling off tomorrow's meeting and stay at home to rest, probably focusing abit here and there. I need to clean my flute.

I muz learn how to smile more and b more positive.

No, it's call laughing at everything that happened, instead of stressing over them.

I shall go rest then.

2009-10-27T06:02:00.000-07:00

It's 11.15pm+ and I ought to be asleep. I'm so tired.. even though much of my workload has been shifted away, but the irritating part about it is that I appear to be quite free, which puts my thoughts inside my head..

While then suddenly that vividly I remembered all of them, coz they juz juz can't get off my mind.. triggered by you yanling. Surprisingly.. the word "letters" awoke my memories about Joanne. Yupps.. it sorta forges an image into my head. That I will explain later..

It's morals.

& Letters.

I shall KIV for tomorrow. The new Moon website http://www.newmoonthemovie.com/

It's dam nice lahs the webbie and got carried away. The next thing was dad.

There's nothing on tomorrow, so probably will update tomorrow bahs.But tinking back, since I'm sending Cuzzie Claire De Lune, I'll have my thoughts written.

Morals are the thing that factor much in our decisions. It is also the very thing that decide the society somehow. At the same time, if everyone had the same level of morality, would there ever be any change in life? It becomes very like that stuck? It has also been factor of much controversial in our lives. Prostitution.. Sex.. Lifestyle.. Culture.. and so on. The thoughts that I draw depicts me of being 1 of the many many persons created differently. That makes this world. Back to those Science and religion issue, like in Angels & Demons, The Church has stopped what science has failed to deem as dangerous. Like a toddler who does not know what is morals from the start.. Like a child who does not know the might of his strength.. Such issues concerns politics as well. Probably the reason why people become hermits.

Knowledge is the flow of power. The more knowledge gain, the more knowledge known, more clever you are, wiser and more dangerous. Dangerous means to you and also to the people who are envy of you. Whilst capable men are targeted, yet they strive to keep a balance of their goals and what should be in place. It's not easy always. So, escape once more becomes a option? That wise sages hides and becomes hermits, dying a lonely death and dragging their life secrets with them forever. To me, it's not that bad eh?

I was juz kidding. I aren't that wise, also.. I need my friends. It's quite easy to cause confusion for many things over conversational matters and even so body languages could bring about mistakes among friends. But being a hermit isn't the way out. Communication.. Pondering over the few needles of thoughts that suddenly prick my head. Not meaning that I'm deciding to turn into a hermit, but that's what I feel. & Prostitution once crossed my grandfather's path as a trait, but it was not encouraged (thankfully) by my uncles. Yet, I've been brought to a brothel since I was young. My Mum's quite open about letting me go with some uncles outside eh? Lolx.. Somehow lahs, but can't blame it, I live in Tar Lum Kai (Near Chinatown Red District), my old house upstairs already is one.

I tink this thoughts is enough to kill, coz it's messy enough. =X

What's my head thinking? I dunno. Will continue about the letters part tomorrow or something.

Seehui, John Little is John Little, Watson is watson lor!

Wish you swt drmx, chase all the nightmares away.

My mind isn't really working now. I should spend more time to re organise my thoughts before typing them instead of juz splatting them here like rubbish =X

Ooops.

Thanks cuzzie for sending me 1 soundtrack from New Moon. Sounds great but emo =X

2009-10-25T06:02:00.000-07:00

I guess I won't be typing that much. It's 11.30pm and my brain is sorta dead. Started on the countdown minutes from 7.00pm but halfway dinner + here and there.. but they aren't easy to type.. well, too much thoughts to pour here and there. That's why the job is hard lahs =X

Lolx. As i start the needle points almost 11.40 pm !! As much as I wish to say, I can't really finish all bahs. Friday was plainly liddat.. Office been busy coz of the meetings these week, probably 1 of the last onces I'll be compiling for =) Zenia suddenly say friday she can't, lucky didn't meet her at 8.50pm, she'll probably have me killed. The Countdown meeting ended at 0940pm only, so I spent the remaining time sitting at the CC admin office talking rubbish with them :P Fun lahs, I guess we're of the same profession, juz 1 NS clerk, the other CC clerk.

I already knew when Zenia can't, I'd ask Seehui for the amaths textbook. Thank you Seehui. Though I feel bad, it's like borrowing your stuff for Joanne. You also sorta like.. should leave her alone. =X I enjoy walking through JP that day. It's fun.. Like revisiting the mall once more and finding more interesting facts with it. Like the difference between John Little & watson now? =)

I'll continue tomorrow or something :P A super short entry. Hahax again.

2009-10-21T06:01:00.000-07:00

I'm filling in the holes of this empty blog. LOlx, Juz emptying my thots lahs.

Today morning juz realise the importance of spelling your english right. On top of that, simple things that your boss spots, you better find it!! So, I better be careful of all the text and etc that i typed man.. Seriously, spent 2 hours running through a spell check for a report.. no joke =.- It really kinda dawn on to me, what if I was the originator, really jia lat. Your big boss trusted you by reading the summary and corrected the phasing, main stuff but leaves out the spelling. >.< & it was not checked.. instead, your recipient tells you, your spelling is out!! =X

My gosh la totally. On top of that, the lifeblood of the place seems to be in peril. Sometimes, I always wished things could be way much more simple. Why can't everyone juz do what they're suppose to do, what they should be doing and be more selfless can le. But they juz can't.. furthermore, fate seems to play around with them. I still believe in karma and destiny. We may juz not like it at the point of our lives or something, but we muz not forget, it is not juz us ourselves, everyone also liddat e wo.

Encik Raj suddenly mentioned about a Indian Movie plot ytd.. regarding life stories. What if your first love came back and tell you: "I love you", will you accept her? They do happen.. instead of Zenia, my heart jumps straight to.. :P Kat. Hahax. Shit. Why Kat xia? =X Dunno lehs.. I ownself also duno. So between Kat & Zenia, I will choose...
o_O so where does Joanne stand ar? I was wondering.. maybe i'm juz thinking nonsense to myself. Coz Encik Raj was juz giving an example lahs. Why ponder over something that's not going to happen? Lolx. Both gals also got charm la.. & rich also =X I used to tink, what happens when I meet rich gals when I not like men dan bu dui.. but I guess I have the answer. Bu pei >.<

Or is it?

Going to 12 le.. juz drop my last thots.. Welcome to the Black Parade.

I tink the starting is inspirational:

When I was,
A young boy,
My father, took me into the city
To see a marching band
He said, "Son when you grow up, will you be the saviour of the broken, the beaten and the damned?"
He said, "Will you defeat them, your demons, and all the non-believers, the plans that they have made? Because one day, I'll leave you, a phantom, to lead you in the summer, to join the black parade."

When I was,
A young boy
My father, took me into the city
To see a marching band
He said, "Son when you grow up, will you be the saviour of the broken, the beaten and the damned?"

"will you be the saviour of the broken, the beaten and the damned?" Yes, that's our band. Ppl who aren't belonging to the top listing, but have a passion for music.

"we'll carry on" Is like e motto. Wondering why so long then I go source for this song. Hahax.

Random?

No idea. It's a nice song.

Off to bed. Nights.

2009-10-20T06:01:00.000-07:00

Blogger seems better today. Lolx.

Thanks yl for today. I guess a rather random dinner trip kept you occupied. You muz b SIMS ing. =X

It's turning 11 soon, I tink let the past rest? I almost fell asleep on the train back home, with a sweet gal sitting opposite me >.< Oops. Hahax, I was really that tired somehow.

Jacq dropped me 3 phrases from Readers Digest:

lie: u think by giving more and accepting less, you are the bigger person.
truth: u don't have to give up who u are or what u enjoy. Why please someone else at you own expense?

lie: u think that by working at it, the other person will change.
truth: u're only one part of the relationship. If the other person doesn't change, it won't work.

lie: u think by not telling ur frens, u are protecting them from an uneasy truth that they dun need to know
truth: u're just protecting urself from judgement and ur partner from what u both are not proud of

Phrase 2 works the best for me she says. I believe it's so? I dunno.. I dun tink.. I wanna say anymore.

I also dunno what's wrong with me, maybe it's juz that I can't blog anymore regarding her. Upgraded. =X

Chee Hao juz reminded me ytd that 2010 is coming, job finding and destiny calling. What abt the Malaysia trip? I'm going like all green coz of fatigue. hahahx.. I really shd take a few days of rest and lazin.

Dreaming of tomorrow...

Fighting for tomorrow as well. I guess war needs to rest sometimes too right?

V for vammie

2009-10-19T06:00:00.000-07:00

Last week was so busy that I could hardly catch my breath. I guess this next period also. I began to understand Zq's pain. Not only that, I began to see what meant to be being in the wrong place at the wrong time sometimes. Yet, some of the things you can't change right? Makes life spooky, the spot you're standing on could be the very spot you die on. =X

On the overall, I juz hope to faster skim through this portion of my life also. =.- Actually, is going very fast. Time is like not enough to spend? Lolx, sometimes juz wished a little here and there can save and actually a large portion of time is saved and deposited into my 'time' account.

As and when I need it, I will activate it.. A watch. Lolx, reminds me to spend more time dressing myself up too.

Seriously, there is nothing holding me back after ORD, should save up and probably spend abit more on myself soon. Been some time ever since I bought anything for myself, not to mentioned being gifted. =X Poor me muz be regretting about birthdays prezzie rule! hahax, but Fu they all gave me that jacket lahs =] Really thanks to all who wished me happy birthday and their wishies.

Juz that.. it was lonely in my sense. Becoz the whole day, Xin, Yanling, Joon Hoe & Derrick was celebrating it with me. & on top of that, Zq also at night. Sometimes.. the unexpected happens.. I'm juz like splattering my thoughts all over this place.

Actually, is pretty exhausted. Have to much to write till i Don't know what to write. Also, tomorrow my boss is back while my other collegue is on leave. Sometimes, I juz wished i don't have to be around there. Could be like a whole field of land mines..

I tink I might have lowered myself very much low to understand and feel what it is really like. Welfare and hardship.. sometimes do sorta challenge us.

I am really exhausted. For once, I am unable to really draft out any of my thoughts in my head. I'm like typing whatever that flows through my mind directly.

No link points or proper connection liddat = Unexpressable?

Jia you for this week Vammie.

You successfully lifted the curse, I began to feel the flow of warmth moving in me.
=X

=) Can you give me more time to look at you please? To properly see you in details and make me feel as if I'd never would want to leave your side again.

2009-10-17T06:04:00.000-07:00

There's so much to do, yet so little time.

Been working till almost 1+ am each day for CLAP and the other stuff, hopefully the run turns out great. =X

Like somehow.. time juz keeps slipping. I'm like turning workaholic soon.

Tomorrow's Deepavali and the best part is it's a public holiday, meaning things that closed on public holidays are closed. 1 Example.. CC.

Sunday's CLAP, hopefully it'll be okays. I somehow can't understand why I'm missing you. A part of you juz died and remains..

So many thoughts is running through my head.

I really dunno what to tell you, =(

Thanks yanling & Grace for being there. Yanling for helping with band stuff too, I know when the time comes you will be busy.

Grace, as usual.. going out with you takes my mind off many things =)

Had a hearty chat with Kaiboon, surprisingly.. he had an ex before and regret breaking up. Everyone has their stories e lahs.

Protect this band and change that culture.. I've been saying.. no matter what happens, you muz pick urself up.. becoz the rest of the band is waiting to be lead.
Waiting for it's leader to go.

I really hope I get extra help (not meaning I didn't recieve any) which will task &N branch out much more for MWS =)

Love is special.. Love is kind.. Love makes me wanna feel you rightaway.

I feel my warmth, juz a little bit. Maybe the weather. Hahax. =))

Cheer Up Vammie.

2008-11-28T08:55:00.000-08:00

How hard is it.

to give me a call back at least.

2008-11-15T17:03:00.001-08:00

The ability to exclude all bad memories.

Some things in life we have to go through.

I ever doubt that when everything fails, you will return.

The day these were formed, they yearn for a master already.

Whether fate is gonna play or not, i leave it to him.

I can't stop him either.

But, no matter what happens, the form i can phase is only a friend.

then so let it b.

Vos amo.

I will try to water the tree which covers our shadows.

29 Oct 2008 - The writing on your hand

2008-10-29T08:43:00.000-07:00

I love you.. the sms.

Take care.. the paper.

"Operation JoNod. "

You are thereby granted freedom for eternity, forever and till the end of time.

The End.

Tonight's nightmares will be fought by me.

They say nightmares can't be fought.
Try me.

2008-10-27T08:23:00.000-07:00

I realised what was missing within a few ponder of my thoughts during bathing.

I really wished ytd will come again and now we'll still be in PS. I still have tml to pass again. It felt as if i would never wanyou to leave my side again. =(

I give a lot of dumb excuses at times. It's true. Sometimes you don't even know if i'm juz mad or simply out to get you. On top of that i tink i have frustrated you beyond the point of any other guy which might have. Tomorrow is gonna be busy. Trying to empty my mind of thoughts before tomorrow begins. It's 10.15 pm now, in a matter of moments i'll b in bed and the cycle of work starts again. Well, at least it's NS now. Somehow, rather than complaining, i should try my best to make the best out of it. That's what i'm trying to do somehow. It's hard...

Remember that Zenia that time, was the time when i finally decided that sweet love was to be found. From Sec 1 to 4, i could not be convinced the fact about girls. Why they should be treated better and why they're like that. My seniors seem to put a impression on me that i'm immature and that i'm a natural repel for girls. When i found her, i thought it won't be juz another katrina, probably then i grew up from there to find you. I wan someone who is strong but still needs my support, someone who is nice but fierce at the same time, someone who can give up everything for me. It's not precisely the entire requirement or wad, but that was what i thought i guess. From my dreams wove you and when i found you, naturally you had all these.

I didn't know you were single parent till that night you finally agreed to go out with me alone remb? I didn't know you were actually quite soft till the day of the concert.. Now looking back, bu shi jing li ler man duo?

I know you wan to keep all these, but these aren't any more of use anymore. I juz look like a piece of junk now. These memories are juz like taking up space in you =(

When you appeared in my life, i didn't mind it at all. Finally some1 could share my happiness, my joy, my laughter, my sadness and my woes. Even if you aren't really that into my worries, you help by smiling. You make me very nice. Sometimes we juz get touchy over the part which you've chosen isn't it. I really dun feel like talking about it though. I never could get a reply out of it and that it pains you too. =( Sorry.

i thnik i had a nightmare ytd. It was quite scary, it's either ytd or the day before. It was like somehow i worked half day and decide to skip half day to do despatch but actually is to slack somewhere. It's like so tiring. It worried me, becoz i didn't wan to be found out, could be charged with AWOL? I didn't know how, but i juz woke up to realise today is deepavali. =.- So i think is today. Dunno how they come about, after i think about them, they vanished. These nightmares, been having quite a few always here and there. Trying very hard to stop or maybe not tink so much, but my nights haven't been that nice since you left.

Since you left...

My happiness were juz short lived. My sadness would drag and not attempt to leave. There was absolutely no reason why i should be so bothered with you, but it juz did. I was simply empty all these while.

No matter how i tried all these while, i realise i can't do much. Everyone will say, andy, you got to do this yourself. As time drags on, i'm juz draggin myself over somehow. =X Dunno what i'm tinking too. And here i sit, missing the very fact that you haven't spoken. It is empty.

Life has it's unexpected turn as well isn't it? It's always so random. Sunday got down the whole 'family' and realise Grayson needs polishing. I'm much better now, i m able to beat grayson, but with much polishing, Grayson will be back. Miss the old him too, whereby I don't have to worry about anything about him. Somehow, dunno whether he still has his 'piccolo' phobia, becoz of the syf or not. But been a year already, shouldn't be.
My neighbour has given a stack of scores which her concert pianist sista used to use. I am able to use them at the moment, but return to her when her boy reaches the appropriate grade. She keeps saying i'm talented. I feel so embarassed. Juz a plain pianist bahs for me will do. :)

We're getting cosier for Mirificus 08. Most probably i will gather a report on things to be done so that we can improve the concert. Hope my juniors lend me strength too.
Besides that, hoping for band fest i will be able to help. I will try to take my remaining off and leaves so that i can help up with ZQ if he is helping. Last year ones was nice! hahax.

Last but not least, there are still things that need to be answered. I haven't recovered i know. I dunno how either.

Today didn't do anything productive, except help mummy go NTUC in the morning at Bukit Ho Swee. It's the 1 near tiong, at havelock road. Interesting, i never been there before. After that, cuzzie they all came down, i was dota ing the whole afternoon. I realise my pals are also tired, maybe this way also might be good bahs.
But what i'm worried about is this wednesday, Chief will be back. Tomorrow night will you b free for a movie again? I really dunno what to do somehow =X (dumb me). Wednesday night, will be sectionals. Then tired thursday before finally friday where evening is NYP concert. Sat morning have piano. Sunday band again. A whole busy week's shedule's been listed already. =X busy me.

Like i said, wishing last week would repeat =X But there's so much to do.

Lost in thoughts again. Now it's blank. =X i muz b crapping for quite long.

2008-10-27T02:07:00.000-07:00

Answering to your posts, sometimes i dunno is right or wrong.

Ya, you wan to leave a memory of me at least.

When a person is no longer around, whatever that could question will only be found by the things he/she left behind.

When a person has left, he/she will never return.

Yet why, are you making things like you have to wait for me to leave this place, before you could convince yourself that i'm truely gone and not coming back.. before crying and fretting over how stupid you are.

I simply watched you despair in these thoughts all this while and sense the confusion in you.

What for do i keep a diary?

Do they matter to you if they were meant to hurt you? Come'on it hurts you...

Juz at least know that, you might be better off not knowing maybe. Somehow you got pissed off over the Xiiao Qian's issue, how can i not know?

I already told you, like you i believe in 'fate' Whereby it sees who's the last 1. But those are only in shows or movies, maybe we juz watched too much of those. What if, we really really missed each other at that point in time? Are we gonna regret the whole life or spend it waiting for each other, till death separates us from the search for each other??

I know i'm love sick. I know it myself. You know the feelings raging, me too. =( You juz gave me no reason to kiss you. You make me feel like the whole world's warmth has been lited with your smile, that is why, your smile is beautiful.

Today reminds me of Sunday, unfortunately, it's not.

Ytd went Sentosa, strangely, it was not as crowded as it was. Surprisingly i really expected more chio bu's and more handsome hunks, but nothing. Pretty gal got la, but all cmi. xP ( like if they pretty then how they cmi ) oh well, CS/SM/MD were sun tanning, so the end result is sun burned. =.- After that had dinner at Astons and they went to watch high school musical 3. I running short of cash, give it a miss. Yawnxz, i only wanna watch "butterfly lovers" or "max payne". Ever since you left, have i ever tried watching a movie with others?? =(

Today jiu band lors. Manage to get grayson down finally, but seems like he is 1/5 of guo xiong only. Somehow guo xiong is really PRO. Not juz pro itself, He's humble and kind, better than jeremy. =.- Sista came too with Tammy and you manage to get Esther down. Woahs, like we got a whole family liddat. Kinda nice when it comes to closing, at least it's not me you and ZQ again.

Thanks so much for being there. But i was really tired today. I barely was opening my eyes during the game. It juz doesn't feel right. I sense your weird weird feelings there. Maybe it was wrong to bring you. I dunno, but i know is that, they will never xian qi you, becoz we don't. You are a nice girl, not only the boys know, Jac and Jiayu knows that too. Juz know that being with you has never been an excuse or what, i love you.

But the way that things are now puts my love to a restrain. I hope you understand. I don't mean to hurt you. Sorry. No matter how many should i scribble here or anywhere else. Is not enough.

Sha dan, dun always wait so late with me. I appreciate it, but you're tired. =(

Missing you deeply, even if it's only a few hours.

Love is complicated.

Hope u decipher the message i gave you. Pls don't, if you dun wan to cry. I dunno. I juz feel miserable, i tink your heart also.

& pls, dun chose another gal for me. It's like giving me a plate of food which i dun really crave.

2008-10-21T07:34:00.000-07:00

I m tired..

It's only tuesday. But tiredness comes from not physically, from you.

I finally shifted this blog under a kind of decoy. If i have a choice, i hope u'll never find out. The truth hurts and the fact that i hurt you by being close to you is evident. You're juz the special gal, which i dunno i have accidentally "unlocked" with tarot or not. No matter what, though i think is not really the problem of the cards, but well, what does I have to say about using this very old foretelling method?

Today is your O levels. Ytd both of us had a big quarrel.

I m a dam big failure. I totally forgot u had O's today. Instead, i spill over the fact that i should leave you and juz let you hate me totally. But i failed. You still can arlow me in msn today, or rather now. Maybe, it's meant to be that way? Juz like what Keli said, gals can juz pretend nothing ever happened, becoz they're girls. Ya, you feel remorseful i know, but you juz try not to show them or ever ever cared about them.

While i ? Should stop fiddling with the hurting bits and pieces of the broken heart and move on. Once i do, you will really turn into someone as normal as someone of my daily life.

i really dunno what to say. Yawnxz.
Maybe i shd juz sleep.

nights.

2008-10-20T06:58:00.000-07:00

Something seems wrong. Dunno what happening also. =X

Haix.

Tonight's rain is nice. Please sleep.

=( tml's e exam.

Sorry.

Good Luck.

i m such a failure.

Getting close to you means hurting you more.

2008-10-19T20:58:00.000-07:00

I didn't go for piano lesson ytd.
It's 9.05 pm, there's still 1 dreaded hour. I look like a idiot.
Waiting for the time to pass and every second seemed to drag. It seems like every second took away 1 drop of my blood, and caused a inch of pain into my heart.
I feel horrible and with all the noise from the television, i really wished it could b silent, to rot.

I had the best night which i slept so soundly for so many months.
But, tonight, i had the worst night, whereby i had to wait for the time to pass.
Why don't i go to sleep.. even if i did, i probably will be asleep only by 12 midnight =(

I really don't understand you sometimes. I really really dunno.
We've been quarrelling ever since you mentioned the thing. I m afraid.. afraid to lose you.
On the other hand, you didn't seem to realise how important you were to me.
Things that have meaning to me died when you left.

My room is in a big mess. I tink i can juz burn it all away with juz a small flame. I thought to myself on the way back, whatever is important to me now? I can juz throw every single thing away.. what really matters any more??

I know it sounds sucidal, but i'm not. Won't sucide. I promised all right? Juz feeling really sian diaox. I really dunno why. It's been 4 months le. =((

7 Nov marks it. It's next next week only. I'm on leave on that day. N what can i do on that day?
Stone and rot. Today, no1's around to dota. The reason why i dota, is to forget you. Nights will b longer without you. But.. every friday and saturday night, aren't they meaningful in memory??

From "New Moon":
The physical evidence was the most insignificant part of the equation.

Forget you is impossible with all the things given to you physically.
=(
I dunno how.
This entry took 1 hour.
Seems like each word took a toll on me to punch.

Vammie, wake up~

o_O it's already 19 October

2008-10-19T02:41:00.000-07:00

Sometimes i feel...

Sianx.

But maybe becoz of the fact that i m in between of things.

"Admist born not devil not angels in the realm of immortality were deemed as vampires.

Living forever, they possess half a wing of the devil and the angels.

Although legends write of their rare existance,

myths have resurfaced sightings."

Something random. Ya, in between. Neither good or evil. Everyone tinks i'm a nice guy always. But actually i'm such a bad person =(

Haix, i made u cry again n i cried too.

But after that we enjoyed ourself.

That's our immaturity rite?

Being really stupid at times.

I even thought of giving u my false memories.

I really dunno. =X

Maybe i might, juz know, as confused as you ar,

i m too. Many many times worse.

At least, you know that i loved you.

A guy truely loves you.

I dun have. Dun tink any1 in this world will save me to the extend of 'love', friends i know you guys will =)

But, if my death implicates my friends, i rather not.

Love is different, but how different.. doesn't it revolve around 2 lives too?

"Till death deals us apart"

Was the phase i wanted to tell you, but i juz scared you would give me the o_O look, like how i joke about "Deng Dang Dang Dang". Yawnxz.

Writing rubbish again.

Life's at work is like that lo. What else could b described? I'm getting more stressed, and seems like somehow, we humans are humans at times. Emotions are our weakest. It's very important, without them, alot of things can b done. But, at huge consequences, juz like the Qin Emperor.

Other than that, been trying to piano. Somethings not in place, i juz feel so "trapped". dunno why, muz sleep le. Good Nitex.

Even if i'm not the 1, i wish you forever and eternity happiness.

But doesn't mean anything abt my feelings juz yet.

"To find you, whom eternity and forever belongs to me, till death deals us apart, no matter how dark the darkness we shall b by each other"

Can you b found? =X Gal hunting again..

Whether a gal is chio/beautiful or not does it matter?

Haix, day dreaming.

Who doesn't wan a beautiful gal?

Wan An.

Ebloggy

2008-10-12T20:32:00.000-07:00

If you would peeped at the last entry of this blog, it back dated 2003. The days whereby i really hate. Now, it's 5 years later, i tink more or less it's happening again =X Except, i'm better off in some ways. The trade off was that that time i had peace, a innocent sec 2 kiddo going to sec 3, who knows nothing much of this world.

But now, it's different. A gal of my dreams, my NS life and my other commitments like piano and band. All these make up my life.. i realise somehow maybe it's juz a dark part of our life. But.. i find it very hard to deal with you. Ya, yesh, you. The reason why everyone is so crazy about, my love.

NS? I've braved the storms for like so long. Somehow, i've gotten used to the fact that NSF like us get 2 kinds of treatments, (1) horrible, becoz they juz tink we serve and f off. (2) treat us like proper human beings. Heart vs the brain? Seriously, i have no comments. When has the heart ever play a part in war?

Piano and band flows my life. Though i m tired, i will try to fulfill my 'memorising' of the score. Maybe i haven't been putting effort into them becoz no 1 really sees into it.

But i probably forgot or fatigue erased the word "love music making"

I really hate to mention this. Probably, i also dun like to say it to you in your face, but you're hurting me. =( Unfortunately.. no matter how much you smile, i always get hurt 2 times as badly. Perharps, becoz of the fact that i'm too close to you. You are then in a daze of what to do next, while battling wif your conscience of your mummy and granny's advice. If you ask me, i also dun really know. I know, they are important, me also, however, they are most important still. After all, i can only give u the stupid answer of you've been avoiding me so what difference is now and a few months back?

That is why i say i hurt you too. =(

I'm at a loss. Everytime i try to separate you out, make u angry or something so much so that you'll hate me.. i worry for you then. I scared becoz of what i did, your life will turn into a nightmare as well. I can't do what ur father did. =( i'm not him. But, i'm not saying he's right or wrong. He might have his reasons for doing so ( i know you'll find me stupid for me giving the cock excuse of protecting u or stuff liddat- but who knows? ) I dun wan to touch on ur dad le.

What a dam loser i m rite? Screwing up ur life then making it up..

You dun have a say in this, but i'm really sorry. I know how many apologies can't b said for everything you've been. I know you've been happy all these while, but i really can't do what you want me to.

"How could i pretended you never existed? "

Look at you, from the Qian's email address you already got jealous. Can i not feel anything? =( I don't wan you to wait too. Dan Shi.. i also dunno lahs. if i really knew, i won't b like this.

Forgive me, love.

What events do you feel like hearing then? Ytd didn't manage to watch "big stan" with them, dota till 3 in the morning. Record!! Played hero siege and then a intensifying match which kept me to the back of my seat. SM was really bent on killing me. Lolx, he was the strongest in his team, while i was for mine. Me, Md, CS VS Sm, Fu, Gn.

Me, juggernault, md windrunner,CS crystal maiden while SM Lord of Avenus, Fu Tide hunter, Gn Admiral Proudmore. Both sm and i were sorta using our ' best' heros. I haven't touch jugger for quite some time, so sometimes didn't manage to kill and it was the new 6.55b map we were playing on. Fu was using his best also. So when we had a 3 on 3 fight, i made a mistake not to kill sm first, so somehow sm they all killed me. Well, i regret on my mistake, coz it made me realise that no matter what, it's clear to have a aim.

I couldn't sleep after that with your sms. I was tinking whole night. 4 le i was still wide awake. Somehow i'm not that tired today you see. I dunno what happen to me sia. I wasn't bent on sleeping also. =( Totally i juz dun feel like. My mood was like "nowhere on earth". As u c, all the sms i sent then i feel like an idiot now. I'm so childish =X sowwey.

Finally finished Twilight. Would have finished it in 3 days time. I was too busy during the weekdays. I started last sat, last sunday sista stole e book, so i could only read ytd and today. So in total is 3 days. So time for the next book " new moon".

Can i book you for movie this tuesday?

Like i said, i haven't ate nicely with you since dunno when.

Meow. Sha Sha de, i know you have alot of things to tell.

But i juz piss u off so you can't say.

On top of that, you are hesitent to say them.

Juz like going Changi Airport.

Take carex. I would love to see your beautiful smile everyday.

Forgive me if i was straight forward in my words today and i didn't mean it today.
Sorry.

2008-10-11T17:30:00.000-07:00

It's a gloomy day. =(

The bright red/orange lashes of sunlight ytd in Ms Jasmine room brought me hopes of a great weekend ahead. But i guess i was wrong.

Woke up at 10+. Mummy called me up at 8+ to eat laksa, but i wasn't in e mood for anything. First thing i read was ur sms, which was full of things which i tink you don't even know what u'r talking about urself. One moment it was this, one moment it was something else. So much for a morning i thought, juz dun feel like getting up. Haix.. why muz u reply like that

Juz realised it was juz 15 mins from piano, so i pulled myself up. =.- Sharks, no warm up. Dad was on e tv, my mummy on the computer watching her "yi nan wang". Talk abt wasting electricity =.- so, i sorta juz let go.. =X i know, i should have controlled it. Hungry and ur sms, i was kinda sian diao, means this piano lesson i'm not really prepared.

Sm told me ytd to go for a buffet at woodlands there, shown in a advertisement in U magazine i tink. Was tinking of bringing u there for probably dinner or lunch. I also want to bring my flowers to her today. Like every year i never go on time. Well, then since it's near granny's house, mind as well as dinner there. That would probably mean lunch with you only. Again, my wishy washy mind sets in, i really how to move next. Haix, =X. I dunno lahs. You always say 1, after that say 2.

Md sms " wanna watch big stan?". You noticed my thoughts above contridict with md's sms. Then i sms you. Which of course, after a long while, broke to me some 'cute' news again. Lunch was with them and dunno what time will be done that uncle is using ur computer. There goes my plans for lunch with you. Dinner? ur sms arrived late that there aren't seat for me at e cinema for the show. Haix, worse is you piss me off. n? No more replies. Ya, you enjoying the day with them.. what about me? It's 5.41pm, from 12+pm which i returned from piano lesson, i haven't even stepped out of my house. It's a saturday.. muz i emphasis it? saturday...

Muz the day when i'm really gone, then you realise how important.. or regret it? I'm not saying my condition is finalized, but it's juz like a time bomb isn't it? Except you don't know the time, neither do i. In fact all of us have. It's juz, my time bomb has been known for it's properties. Haix.. While we have e time to relax, we should. When you go back to school, i really dunno what will happen next.

you will not remember me, that is for sure. There is no point telling or bluff ing me you would. I already know. How many things i have told u, which u didn't listen.

=( There goes half a day wasted. I really looked forward to having a good meal with you. Haix. When you become queen and i king, things will change. When you take over e band, you aren't a small gal gal anymore. It's time to grow up. Are you gonna keep telling me you have no time for meetings or stuff liddat in future?

From Eclipse :

"I'll be back so soon you won't have time to miss me.

Look after my heart - i've left it with you "

Once i'm gone, i can't come back like a vampire does.

When you're gone.. Avril Lavigne

2008-10-10T22:42:00.000-07:00

Friday Night, whereby everyone will be gone. Somehow gone out to enjoy themselves and stuff liddat. Feels weird somehow. Maybe i'm juz tired. =X

Perharps i'm too exhuasted or asking too much of myself suddenly..

The reason why i'm lost.. feeling unhappy and upable to seem to catch things, is probably becoz of that? I really dunno sia.

Juz all the time, this vision was apparently in my mind for quite some time. I, holding a sword in my hands, wearing a long hood and entirely black outfit, juz like kamui in Tsubasa. Suddenly a mysterious stranger rushes towards me with a sword of green glow. The mighty slash of the sword i blocked, but i was impacted by the slash itself. Quickly recovering myself, i gathered my strength and channel them into the follow up attack. With a quick step, i flickered over the mysterious stranger and deals the same blow. Both swords clash with a heavy bang.. My purplish aura not willing to give up to the faint green glow.... it shined more brightly once more, my entire strength of my body seems to vanish and into the clash..

But what happens after that is a unknowned. Is it that the mysterious stranger is the future? Or that, it is too tough and should be remained defeated for the moment. There is no point battling fate isn't it? What holds in the future in the first place??

Gn seems to be pissed at xin, while in office, things seem to happen in an contary way. It juz like a child's play. Instead of juz the usual "i don't friend you le", silent play comes into mind. Let me juz finish up the office thing. Then next comes war. Somehow i don't understand, is what i have been told that no place could ever not have office politics, even if it's kinda run down?? hardwork VS talents. I really wonder, the thing that makes life so interesting is the surprises. The few days of it have made me kinda breath un catchable. Meow?

There is no break for the race of time though. It always have been liddat. This is maybe where a new phase of life begins. While all the happening, the evolvotion of friends too. Couples are separating, friends are losing touch or couples getting together, friends getting back to each other... everything is happening like spontaneous. Or maybe we haven't been noticing it all along.

Noticing. it's juz a matter of heart vs mind too right? That day you struck my mind. Perharps it's in a whirl becoz of it. Logic VS heart. I know i m a virgo.. logic tends to be abit off, becoz virgo's 6th sense are kinda incredible and they are perfectionist. I noticed i'm partly like that, even if it was not part of what i was suppose to be. I told myself " if u want to do something, do it the best". That is why when i tidy something i clean up to everything. But the best part.. somehow i don't know what is e 'best' too for certain things =( like for you.

I really got no comments for logic. I juz feel thoughts are whirling in my mind like a tornado, or rather a sand storm. All my paths are covered by the sand. Everything is flying around.. i really dunno what is happening inside. When i grab, it's sand and it's blinded me too. Can i get this trapped feeling out? Not feeling helpless though, i juz wonder, i'm bluffing myself the heart is okie? Or that.. it's becoz today is that day..

Bless you Bin Mei.
5 years have passed since you departed.
Everything has changed.
But the one thing that has never changed always, is that you're my beloved junior.
=) Rest In Peace.
I know the rest of the seniors will think the same way too.

I could not help recall the day, that very day i went bowling. I was thinking it was near her house. I was dam dumb. It was at Mandai instead i guess. I did not accompany her to her last. Most of the ppl will probably think i'm such a letdown senior. Yawnxz.. that's a fact i'll never b able to escape. I had 2 strikes that day. Is it beginner's luck? or that i'm juz plain lucky? Or.. it was.. a sign or an omen. My strikes have never hit 2 at anytime after that..

Which is why, i have this childish thinking that anything could go wrong. i don't blame u my batch de, to tell me in such a inappropriate way. That day, jialin, i tink you juz came to me and said" bin mei ahem* "Or maybe, in another way, it was better not to go. I juz could break down then..

Okie, andy stop. I shall not say further. If not, jiu rain le. I'm tired, there's piano tomorrow. I'm hungry too, it's only 12.35 am. I'm early today isn't it? =X was with xin and sm at ps juz now. Maybe i juz crave for nothing. Yawnxz. shall juz go sleep. I'm tired...

dun care about anything le, weekends ar to unwind. ~~~ =X Meow.

I don't wan you to look back if should 1 day i leave this world.
Pneumothorax isn't something too serious but not too minor too. I juz scared. =X
That is why, i dunno if i'm hurting u still or not. sorry.

2007-06-11T07:38:00.000-07:00

Alot of things can't be said right ?
I feel so sad after writing that entry on shrinkingtears.
=X
It feels as if i'm leaving sista behind, but i know joanne will take of her.
How irresponsible of me. But she sure doesn't need my help. Why? Becoz i'm too distant, 1stly and that maybe it's all my fault for hating her fav. band groups: band dits which are band fusion ppl.

Maybe there's nothing wrong wif it, but i guess, after all.. hate would mean also i hate her? Could she equate that one day? There's no right or wrong to it bahs. But i truely think that band dits somehow pollute this band world.
Can you believe it ? First they ban ppl comparing about past results, next they came up wif a monthly issue full of each school's reviews of past year results. What nonsense ? On top of that, their reviews of schools were like totally "helpful" ? I shd tink that more journlism is to be placed before writing the scoop man, it sure makes alot of ppl unhappy and happy about those comments made.
Music is not a language for critism, neither is it to cause disharmony and discrimination against those who are not better off. Anyways, that's all. =X
Dun wanna spoil the whole entry by complaining about band fusion.

Class BBQ today was totally ok nia ? Guess the mid years made half of us sian diao. Everyone wasn't really that high. On top of that we'r missing out quite alot of people. With little people, everyone's kinda sian diao also. =X so ya.. + the concept of oil --> more fire =X WRONG. The poor flames were put out by their " oiling" well nvm. I'll make sure of that. On top of that, the grill has to be "buttered" to season. Nvm, so much for BBQ. I muz admit, somehow i "killed" someone. LoLs, i headshot wen hui on the head with a water bomb. Didn't know i'd be that accurate suddenly, i juz swing and it hit him =.= Also, i took another one and try to hit him, now moving projectile. It almost hit him. I was kinda shocked by my aiming. o.O why so power my aiming ?? zZz..

that's for now. i shall go sleep soon. wan an~